Saturday, September 8, 2012

Lindsay and Jeff's Story~Part 2

Today we follow Lindsay and Jeff in part 2 of their amazing "waiting for Baby" story.  Remember, you can be apart of this story by going to their website: and donating to bring their baby boy home. ~Kassie

Zion’s Story

As time passed by after Samuel’s death, the aching for our empty arms to be filled did not pass. God had used Samuel's death to teach us so many things about how we viewed Him, and who He wanted to be to us. At the very moment we lost Samuel, I had decided that I would not be angry with God. However in the days and months following our loss I began to feel such a conflict within me about how I viewed our sons passing. I distinctly remember standing in the kitchen telling my Mom “ I feel one way in my heart and a totally different way in my head!” My heart said God has a plan and He knows what He is doing, but my head said “Why would God ever give you such a precious gift only to rip it away from you?” What I didn’t realize was that at that time I was dealing with post partum depression. I thought people only had that after delivering a full term healthy baby, and my baby was only five months along when we lost him. After sharing with my aunt these feelings of conflict within me and this grief that was so strong, she realized the signs and told me that I was dealing with post partum depression. It was such a relief to realize that my body was needing to work through this loss, and my heart needed to as well. I started to understand those feelings of why could God do this to me were not “real” feelings! They were not based on any truth of who God is or how He works in His children’s lives! They were purely chemical responses to a traumatic change that my body had just gone through. Things were different inside of me, in the way my body was dealing with our loss, but one thing was never different, one thing was never changed, and that was who God is! God had a plan for us! He had a little life for us to parent! One thing that stuck out to me while grieving Samuel's loss was when a friend came over to comfort me one day. I told her that I didn’t understand why God would give us Samuel’s life just to take it away from us. Her reply to me was that she believed that we become so focused on a persons purpose here on earth all the time, that we completely loose sight of the fact that we all have a God designed plan for our lives when we get to heaven as well. The purpose God created her for is no less meaningful or valuable as the purpose He created me for, and the purpose for my Samuel's life was not less important or meaningful just because it was not a plan to be fulfilled here with us on earth. When I began to believe that God did have a meaning and a purpose to Samuel's life and that he was still able to fulfill that purpose, I had a joy in his life, and a mothers pride for her son LIVING for his Lord! But for me there was one more thing I struggled with that I felt just could not be answered. When Jeff and I were in our first year of marriage, we were talking one night and I had said to him “ you know what would be a neat name if we ever had a little girl?” and at the same time he and I both said” Zion Grace” now to us that was a God thing. I mean everyone knows how difficult it can be to pick a name that both the mother and father agree on, and lets face it Zion Grace is not a name everyone thinks of when they are thinking of a good name for their new baby. We just looked at each other shocked and said “ Okay, Zion Grace it is!” when I was pregnant I thought for sure we would have a little girl. I mean seriously, why else would God give us such a specific name for our child! We believed with all our hearts that God put that name in our mouths that day and that
“ Zion Grace” was a promise to us! However the days and months crept past and with every month a new disappointment from another negative pregnancy test, one after the other after the other, had me doubting if I really knew when God was speaking to us. Was it just that I had a very vivid imagination and wanted to believe that God was right beside us the whole time. Did I just want to believe that God had a beautiful plan to give us a child someday, as the time began to pass I started to think maybe the “promise” was all in my head. I was a nanny for a wonderful family at that time, and in the mornings I would turn the Christian talk radio station on and listened as we got meals ready for the day and got work done around the house. One day the lesson was about Zacharias and Elizabeth. The pastor who was teaching was talking about how confusing it must have been for them as they waited for God to give them a child. How confusing must it have been to these two God fearing people, who walked with the Lord and kept His commandment, to have daily asked for the blessing of a child, only to have the answer be yet again “not yet” years and years over. As this pastor spoke I felt such a connection to their pain, and I felt like God wanted me to get on my knees before Him and just be honest with Him and cry out to him for help! In the living room floor, with the children I nannied for playing in the same room. I told God how I felt, and this time honestly how I felt! I told Him that I didn’t understand after years of serving Him why He would bless other people who didn’t give a hoot about Him with a baby but He wouldn’t give us one. I told Him that I had believed Him that ”Zion Grace” was supposed to be ours, but now I just didn’t know if it was all in my head. I told Him that I felt like He had left us all alone! Then I felt like He was nudging me to open up my tiny purse Bible that I took with me everywhere. So I did! I opened it to this: “Sing oh barren woman, you who have bore no child; burst out into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor. I sobbed! He was talking to me and now I knew He was there, I was never alone! I went on to read “ because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband “ says the Lord. Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide do not hold back; lengthen your cords, and strengthen your stakes. As I read each word it felt like every one was spoken to me specifically as a word of love , hope and encouragement. When I reached verse 11 I read” oh afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted, I will build you with stones of turquoise, your foundations of sapphires. I will make your battlements of rubies your gates of sparkling jewels, and all your walls of precious stones. All your sons will be taught of the Lord, and great will be your children’s peace. When I read this i felt a strong sense that God was speaking hope to me! When I saw “battlements of rubies” I thought “ He is talking about my Samuel Baye who we lost in the month of July. His birthstone is a ruby!” when I saw “I will build you of turquoise I knew he meant me because my mother was born in December and her birthstone is a turquoise. When I read your foundations in Sapphires, I believed with all my heart that God was going to give us a September child someday! I called my friend to read it to her and see if she thought I was silly to think it was a word of encouragement to me from my Loving ever caring Father. I remember her saying to me if it jumped off the pages at you like that then it must be from God! What a joy to finally have hope! A couple months later I went to speak with an infertility doctor about ways to help us get pregnant. As I spoke to her, she kept on saying ”I think you may actually be pregnant now!” I assured her that I was not, and so we proceeded with the visit. She ran multiple tests to try to see if there was anything she could find that could help us conceive. A couple days later her nurse called me with my results and started to ramble off numbers and results to me, then she said “ oh and of course your pregnancy is positive.” “WHAT!” I cried! Very literally I mean that I started crying on the phone ( this poor nurse had no idea why) she was silent for a moment then said “ well, you knew you are pregnant, right?” finally we where seeing the hope that God had given to us through those passages in Isaiah 54 coming to life. My due date was set for October 7th 2007. I told friends and family that even though our child had an October due date I really believed that this was our “foundations of sapphire” 5 months later we discovered we were having a little girl! We had been told that we would not have a healthy child of our own after loosing Samuel, so we truly thought that our child would have downs syndrome or some other type of disability. But as we studied that name that God had given us years before we learned that one of the meanings of the name Zion was the same as the word for the number 7 in Hebrew. The name Zion in part meant “complete in perfection” as we went to each one of our daughters ultrasounds we felt chills every time the doctor used the words “ she is forming completely and perfectly!” knowing that God whispered that name in both of our ears so many years before to calm our future fears that this pregnancy would end as our last had. He gave us her name as a comfort to his storm tossed children and as a promise that we didn’t have to fear what ever might come because He had a plan! Our beautiful Zion Grace came into this world at 8:45 p.m on September the 29th. Our Foundation of Sapphire just as He said!

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