Today we follow Lindsay and Jeff in part 2 of their amazing "waiting for Baby" story. Remember, you can be apart of this story by going to their website: http://www.gofundme.com/15o798 and donating to bring their baby boy home. ~Kassie
As time passed by after Samuel’s death, the aching for our empty
arms to be filled did not pass. God had used Samuel's death to teach us so many
things about how we viewed Him, and who He wanted to be to us. At the very
moment we lost Samuel, I had decided that I would not be angry with God.
However in the days and months following our loss I began to feel such a
conflict within me about how I viewed our sons passing. I distinctly remember
standing in the kitchen telling my Mom “ I feel one way in my heart and a
totally different way in my head!” My heart said God has a plan and He knows
what He is doing, but my head said “Why would God ever give you such a precious
gift only to rip it away from you?” What I didn’t realize was that at that time
I was dealing with post partum depression. I thought people only had that after
delivering a full term healthy baby, and my baby was only five months along
when we lost him. After sharing with my aunt these feelings of conflict within
me and this grief that was so strong, she realized the signs and told me that I
was dealing with post partum depression. It was such a relief to realize that
my body was needing to work through this loss, and my heart needed to as well.
I started to understand those feelings of why could God do this to me were not
“real” feelings! They were not based on any truth of who God is or how He works
in His children’s lives! They were purely chemical responses to a traumatic
change that my body had just gone through. Things were different inside of me,
in the way my body was dealing with our loss, but one thing was never
different, one thing was never changed, and that was who God is! God had a plan
for us! He had a little life for us to parent! One thing that stuck out to me
while grieving Samuel's loss was when a friend came over to comfort me one day.
I told her that I didn’t understand why God would give us Samuel’s life just to
take it away from us. Her reply to me was that she believed that we become so
focused on a persons purpose here on earth all the time, that we completely
loose sight of the fact that we all have a God designed plan for our lives when
we get to heaven as well. The purpose God created her for is no less meaningful
or valuable as the purpose He created me for, and the purpose for my Samuel's
life was not less important or meaningful just because it was not a plan to be
fulfilled here with us on earth. When I began to believe that God did have a
meaning and a purpose to Samuel's life and that he was still able to fulfill
that purpose, I had a joy in his life, and a mothers pride for her son LIVING
for his Lord! But for me there was one more thing I struggled with that I felt
just could not be answered. When Jeff and I were in our first year of marriage,
we were talking one night and I had said to him “ you know what would be a neat
name if we ever had a little girl?” and at the same time he and I both said”
Zion Grace” now to us that was a God thing. I mean everyone knows how difficult
it can be to pick a name that both the mother and father agree on, and lets face
it Zion Grace is not a name everyone thinks of when they are thinking of a good
name for their new baby. We just looked at each other shocked and said “ Okay,
Zion Grace it is!” when I was pregnant I thought for sure we would have a
little girl. I mean seriously, why else would God give us such a specific name
for our child! We believed with all our hearts that God put that name in our
mouths that day and that
“ Zion Grace” was a promise to us! However the days
and months crept past and with every month a new disappointment from another
negative pregnancy test, one after the other after the other, had me doubting
if I really knew when God was speaking to us. Was it just that I had a very
vivid imagination and wanted to believe that God was right beside us the whole
time. Did I just want to believe that God had a beautiful plan to give us a
child someday, as the time began to pass I started to think maybe the “promise”
was all in my head. I was a nanny for a wonderful family at that time, and in
the mornings I would turn the Christian talk radio station on and listened as
we got meals ready for the day and got work done around the house. One day the
lesson was about Zacharias and Elizabeth. The pastor who was teaching was
talking about how confusing it must have been for them as they waited for God
to give them a child. How confusing must it have been to these two God fearing
people, who walked with the Lord and kept His commandment, to have daily asked
for the blessing of a child, only to have the answer be yet again “not yet”
years and years over. As this pastor spoke I felt such a connection to their
pain, and I felt like God wanted me to get on my knees before Him and just be
honest with Him and cry out to him for help! In the living room floor, with the
children I nannied for playing in the same room. I told God how I felt, and
this time honestly how I felt! I told Him that I didn’t understand after years
of serving Him why He would bless other people who didn’t give a hoot about Him
with a baby but He wouldn’t give us one. I told Him that I had believed Him
that ”Zion Grace” was supposed to be ours, but now I just didn’t know if it was
all in my head. I told Him that I felt like He had left us all alone! Then I
felt like He was nudging me to open up my tiny purse Bible that I took with me
everywhere. So I did! I opened it to this: “Sing oh barren woman, you who have
bore no child; burst out into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor.
I sobbed! He was talking to me and now I knew He was there, I was never alone!
I went on to read “ because more are the children of the desolate woman than of
her who has a husband “ says the Lord. Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch
your tent curtains wide do not hold back; lengthen your cords, and strengthen your
stakes. As I read each word it felt like every one was spoken to me
specifically as a word of love , hope and encouragement. When I reached verse
11 I read” oh afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted, I will build
you with stones of turquoise, your foundations of sapphires. I will make your
battlements of rubies your gates of sparkling jewels, and all your walls of
precious stones. All your sons will be taught of the Lord, and great will be
your children’s peace. When I read this i felt a strong sense that God was
speaking hope to me! When I saw “battlements of rubies” I thought “ He is
talking about my Samuel Baye who we lost in the month of July. His birthstone
is a ruby!” when I saw “I will build you of turquoise I knew he meant me
because my mother was born in December and her birthstone is a turquoise. When
I read your foundations in Sapphires, I believed with all my heart that God was
going to give us a September child someday! I called my friend to read it to
her and see if she thought I was silly to think it was a word of encouragement
to me from my Loving ever caring Father. I remember her saying to me if it
jumped off the pages at you like that then it must be from God! What a joy to
finally have hope! A couple months later I went to speak with an infertility
doctor about ways to help us get pregnant. As I spoke to her, she kept on
saying ”I think you may actually be pregnant now!” I assured her that I was
not, and so we proceeded with the visit. She ran multiple tests to try to see
if there was anything she could find that could help us conceive. A couple days
later her nurse called me with my results and started to ramble off numbers and
results to me, then she said “ oh and of course your pregnancy is positive.”
“WHAT!” I cried! Very literally I mean that I started crying on the phone (
this poor nurse had no idea why) she was silent for a moment then said “ well,
you knew you are pregnant, right?” finally we where seeing the hope that God
had given to us through those passages in Isaiah 54 coming to life. My due date
was set for October 7th 2007. I told friends and family that even though our
child had an October due date I really believed that this was our “foundations
of sapphire” 5 months later we discovered we were having a little girl! We had
been told that we would not have a healthy child of our own after loosing
Samuel, so we truly thought that our child would have downs syndrome or some
other type of disability. But as we studied that name that God had given us
years before we learned that one of the meanings of the name Zion was the same
as the word for the number 7 in Hebrew. The name Zion in part meant “complete
in perfection” as we went to each one of our daughters ultrasounds we felt
chills every time the doctor used the words “ she is forming completely and
perfectly!” knowing that God whispered that name in both of our ears so many
years before to calm our future fears that this pregnancy would end as our last
had. He gave us her name as a comfort to his storm tossed children and as a
promise that we didn’t have to fear what ever might come because He had a plan!
Our beautiful Zion Grace came into this world at 8:45 p.m on September the
29th. Our Foundation of Sapphire just as He said!
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