Friday, September 7, 2012

Lindsay and Jeff's Story~Part 1

The following story is about two childhood friends of mine.  I have watched them grow up, go down different roads that lead to each other, I've watched them struggle with infertility and rejoiced when their babies were born.  I am so proud to introduce you to Jeff and Lindsay's story.  In fact, there story will take place over the next three days as they have a lengthy story to tell. Please take time to read their story and get to know them. Then, check out the following link
on how YOU can be apart of there "waiting for baby" story.  Love and Hope~Kassie

I still remember thinking I am just seeing what I want to see, as I sat staring at a pregnancy test that for the first time ever appeared to be positive. Excited is an understatement as we had longed for this day for quite a while. I had been pleading with God to help us get pregnant. I had been reading about Hannah in the Bible and identified so much with her pain. I had promised God that if he would give as a child I too would give them back to God if He would only just bless us with a precious little life. I still remember the excitement of buying booties for our first born child or the first time I got to wear maternity clothes. This was a very special and exciting time for both of us! I felt a pride of accomplishment as my belly swelled and it became obvious to others what was going on outside of me. We felt so much excitement to go to the doctors office the day we were scheduled to find out the gender of our child. We sat in the doctors office anxiously awaiting our doctors arrival so we could finally get a second peek into the life of our child. As she rubbed the ultrasound wand over my belly I stared in anticipation. At first I was excited when I saw the image of our sweet little child curled up in the fetal position, I looked every thing over quickly, arms, legs, cute little bottom, and little tiny nose. I then remember thinking to myself “should he be moving, I don’t see him moving at all!” as soon as I looked up, I realized that my fears were being confirmed as I stared at my doctors face. I was trying not to read into the sympathetic facial expressions she was giving me but it was hard not to. She looked distraught when she said I will be right back. Then what felt like hours later she walked back in with another doctor, whom we had never seen before, after a second ultrasound, she turned the screen off, wiped my belly down and said “ I am so sorry to have to tell you this but your child has passed away. Never when I woke up on that excited morning did I think those would be the words ringing in my ears. She then told us “ we will go ahead and get you upstairs to labor and delivery to have your baby.” we told her we needed a minute to process things and call our employers to let them know we would not be back in the 1 hour timeframe we had thought earlier. I called the family I was a nanny for ( who also had lost twins earlier in the marriage) I recall telling her, and both of us just crying. I remember saying to her I just don’t think I can handle giving birth for the first time and knowing the whole time that all I would be greeted by was the death of my sweet child! She then advised us to tell them we wanted a DNC, and that we just wanted to wake up and have all of this over with. We said ours goodbyes on the phone and she told us she would be praying for us. We then shared our decision with our doctor when she came back into the room. She said they would do one more ultrasound in the morning to confirm that our baby was in fact gone, and she offered to call a taxi for us if we didn’t think we would be emotionally strong enough to handle the drive home. We declined and drove home to wait until the next day when they would be able to schedule our second ultrasound and possible DNC. When we got to our house I went into our bedroom to put on some pajamas, so that I could just go to bed and cry myself to sleep. I stood in front of my mirror before changing. I looked at my stomach and just sobbed. The little bulging belly that used to bring me such joy and a sense of pride, just made me feel sick to look at. I felt violated by the fact that now when I looked at myself all I felt like was a glorified coffin. My parents came over to help my husband, and bring us dinner. I could not eat a bite. I just laid on the couch crying and as my dad scooped me up and prayed for me, all I could think was I just wish I could die too. I really believed that we could never feel complete again! I thought about how I had said I would give our child back to God and regretted it. I tried to clarify that I meant I would give our child to God by supporting our child in deciding to be a missionary or something like that, but I was not willing to give our child back in death. I told Him that He must have misunderstood my intent. I begged God that whole night to please revive my child, and I would certainly give everything I had to teaching them to serve God. I tried to hold on to the hope that the second ultrasound would just prove this to all be a horrible nightmare. We woke bright and early the next day and drove ourselves to the hospital for the ultrasound and possible DNC. A very sweet doctor did the second ultrasound and told us that we had in fact lost our child . He held my hand and looked at my husband and I and said “ my wife and I lost our first child as well, I know your pain, and I just want you to know it will get better. We now have 3 children all happy and healthy.“ it was comforting but at that moment all I wanted was this baby not the other three children he spoke of. They wheeled me up to surgery and began the process. When I finally awoke from the DNC, I recall asking the nurse if I could see my baby. She replied by saying “ oh honey you would never want to see something like that, but we do think we found the reason for his death.” she then proceeded to tell me that when they were looking him over they noticed a thick pocket of fluid that went from under the neck to the top of his head. She said that the fluid was sitting on his brain and that is how he died. We then learned that that fluid pocket was consistent with children who have downs syndrome. In the following days they did genetic tests that found that he did in fact have Downs syndrome. We also learned that our child was a little boy. Our genetics counselor advised us that due to the reason he had Downs syndrome that we should seriously consider not having children of our own, as they would have a high chance of being born with Downs as well. What a blow! Not only were we sitting with empty arms but we had someone telling us that they would never be filled. My husband was so strong, brave and compassionate to me through our loss. One day as I was walking into our kitchen I noticed that I didn’t know where he had gone. I called for him and could not find him, as I looked outside I saw my strong and brave husband curled up on the front porch crying. I ran outside to him and asked him why he was outside. He told me that he didn’t want me to see him grieve because he felt he needed to be strong for me. He was never more beautiful and strong to me then he was that day. He was experiencing all of the pain and loss I was, but he was not thinking about wanting to die, he was thinking of how he could help me deal with my pain and loss. I brought him inside and together we sat and talked. He told me his fears and the deep feelings of loss he was going through. We contemplated the idea of having only children with downs syndrome and the losses we felt about that. We feared if we had a child with Downs that other people would tease our child or be unkind to them. We felt a loss of having a child who would not look like us. He shared how hard it was for him to see our friends parent their children in front of us, when he felt it should be us parenting too! Together my husband and I choose a name for our son, we named him Samuel Bay Babcock. Samuel was because just like Hannah, we had finally been able to together give our son back to God . We gave him the name Bay because it means born in the month of July. God used that time of loss and uncertainty to show us a lot of things we never realized about Him, and to draw us closer to one another in a deeper and more meaningful way. In the coming days, months and year we would learn a lot about ourselves, and about God and His beautiful way of keeping His promises.

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