Wednesday, February 20, 2013

What TO Say or DO

When a family member, friend, co-worker, or complete stranger tells you that they've had a miscarriage, a failed IVF attempt, are becoming foster parents, or on a list to adopt, we sometimes forget or don't know what the appropriate thing to say is.  I'm often flabbergasted at what some people will say, but was recently reminded that sometimes people don't know the "protocol" when they see you dealing with this and often find themselves hurting as well.  So, I consulted my guru's on all things dealing with appropriate things to say and do when dealing with such a sensitive issue.

Nicole writes-"I feel like the things that have blessed me are meals, visits to hold me and cry with me and pray with me...while sobbing with me. Checking in with me and my recovery. Telling me there are no words and that you are grieving with us and sorry. This last time I had friends say they were praying "enough already" on our behalf. That meant the world."

Kelli writes-"I talked with my best friend. We are officially on the waiting list for our 2nd adoption and she said to me..."I'm so happy! Your heart is pregnant!". Maybe some people won't like this b/c the word pregnant still hits too close to home, but it struck me and made me smile."

Amy writes-"My advice: grieve, talk, cry, yell. Try to explain to your partner even though they may not get it and will say stupid things to try to comfort you. They need to go through it with you."

Stephanie writes-"The people who helped me the most let me just cry and grieved with me, but it is a lonely grief. After a while no one cares anymore about what you loss and you have to grieve by yourself."

Kassie Writes-"I just need people to listen.  Don't tell me your story until I'm done.  Just listen and hear my heart.  Most of all, let us be apart of your families life.  We're not going to steal your children or pass infertility on to you.  We'll be OK holding babies and playing with little tike's, really we will.  If we're not, we'll remove ourselves as gracefully as possible or you'll never know."

Tiffany Writes-"Sometimes it's just best to encourage people to say nothing. People want to give advice or say that they understand and those things can be infuriating if we know that they have never been through what we are going through. Just saying "I'm so sorry to hear about ----. I'm sorry you are going through this.... It validates their struggle without making them upset."

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