Friday, January 25, 2013

Stephanie and Ben's Story~Part 2


While my story isn’t over by any means, a new chapter has been added.  The next chapter of my life started shortly after my second miscarriage. (Read about it here:  I was left with this feeling of hope and being completely scared out of my mind to get pregnant again.  Hope in the fact that I was now on thyroid medicine that has been shown to lessen the chances of miscarriages by 50 percent but it wasn’t a for sure thing.  My husband kept saying to me, “don’t give up hope, I don’t want you to give up hope”.  While I was struggling with the fact that it was my fault these babies kept dying.  It was my body that was rejecting them not his.   I had a lot of reservation about getting pregnant again because I didn’t want to go through that again.  I remember praying all the time, God if you want me to get pregnant again you are going to have to get me out of my own head. 

Well last summer my husband and I had a trip planned to travel across the state of Nebraska.  The night before we left my husband and I got into a huge “discussion” about me not getting pregnant.  I had a major melt down that night and remember just praying please God please let this happen or show me another path to take.  The next day I was packing and getting ready for the trip when I realized that I was really late.  I waited all day before taking the test.  Finally my husband called and said he was on his way home from work.  So I took the test and eagerly waited for the results.  Pregnant. 

I was so happy and so scared at the same time.  I had been down this road before.  Only this time I felt different.  This time I was getting sick, smells were bothering me, and things I once loved, like coffee, made me sick thinking about it.  The time leading up to that first appointment seemed to take forever.  I was so scared that they were going to give me the same news I had received twice before.  As I laid there having my ultrasound done I remember seeing the little heart beating.  Something I had never gotten the chance to see before.  I asked the tech if I could hear the heartbeat and I remember the tears rolling down my face listening to that sweet sound. 

Each time I go to my appointments I still get a little scared that something is going to go wrong.  This time I was a little more apprehensive about buying anything for him or getting myself too excited about having him here with us.  It got a little better once I could start to feel him move.  It was so much fun the first time my husband could feel him as well.  We finally were starting to feel like he was here to stay, our little fighter.    

Oh yeah I forgot to mention we found out we are having a little boy.  I am so happy now and feel like we are in the home stretch.  I am 31 weeks along.  I love being pregnant.  It still makes me smile whenever I feel him kick or listening to his heart beat in the doctor’s office.  There is no feeling better than it. 

During this pregnancy the song I Will Wait by Mumford and Sons came out.  One day I was actually listening to the lyrics and was bawling because it felt like that song was about our whole journey.  

But I'll kneel down, wait for now
I'll kneel down know my ground

Raise my hands, paint my spirit gold
Bow my head, keep my heart slow

'Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
Just like so many times in my life I had to Let Go and Let God because faith is all we have.  I had to wait for God and now we are anxiously waiting for our little boy.  So please don’t give up hope, have faith and know that there are many people out there who are struggling with the same fertility issues.  Let Go and Let God!  He will guide you on your path, even if it is not the one you thought you wanted or when you wanted it. 

*We will keep you posted on his arrival in March.      

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