Sunday, January 20, 2013

Stephanie and Ben's Story

My Unfinished Story

My childhood dream growing up was just like every other girl it seems. I wanted to get married by my early 20’s, have 4 children (2 biological and 2 adopted), and to finish college but be a stay at home mom. Well like my parents always told me, you don’t always get everything you want when you want it and sometimes you have to be patient. It took me a long time to find the right guy. I wanted to wait to find the person that God wanted me to be with forever. Well I did finally find that guy, and I thank God for him everyday. 

We got married in January of 2010, when I was 31, and I got pregnant the following November. All my dreams were coming true. I was so excited. We told our families by giving them a little Jesus figurine that said Love. I dreamed of holding my little one and what the nursery would look like. That Christmas my family all gave me gifts for the little one: a star that played Twinkle, Twinkle to hang on the door, booties, books, and a little picture frame for the ultrasound picture. I had scheduled an appointment for the first doctor visit and first ultrasound. 

Well I never made it to that appointment, because a couple of weeks before that appointment I came home from work and had started to spot. I knew right then and there that something was wrong. I called my mom crying and she told me not to get worried about it just yet some women do spot while pregnant. She told me to call the doctor and see what they said. The doctor told me that if it was spotting it should stop soon, well the next morning it hadn’t stopped. I went in for an ultrasound that afternoon only for them to tell me what I had already known. The whole time I was praying for a miracle “Please let my baby live, Please let it be okay”. I was completely heartbroken and crushed when I got the news. I went to mass that evening and my whole family came to be with my husband and I. I am very blessed to have such a wonderful and supportive family. 

I was also blessed to be working for a wonderful school and with a wonderful teacher who let me have some time off to grieve. And grieve I did. I grieved very much for my Isabella Elizabeth. I like to tell people that it is a very lonely grief that follows a miscarriage. At first people are very supportive and sympathetic but as time goes on I was still grieving while the world went on. It’s not like a loving grandparent that passes away where your family and friends are all grieving with you. It’s your baby and no one has seen it or held it, and while my husband grieved for his lost child even he never really got to bond it that child like I did. No one talks about it after a while and all you want to do is scream “Have you all forgotten about MY Child!” 

Following my first miscarriage it took my a little while to get over the fear of trying again. I didn’t want to go through that again. After hearing many people tell me that they had a miscarriage the first time I finally Let go and let God. We got pregnant again in October of 2011. I was sure this time was going to be it. I was even more excited the second time around to start planning the nursery and looking at baby clothes. I felt really good the whole time I was pregnant beside the pure exhaustion. I made my doctors appointment and first ultrasound just like I had the first time. I kept watching the calendar and counting the day for that first appointment. I was so excited for it. I just wanted to go in there and have them tell me everything looks great. 

That day finally arrived and I was so excited I had made it to the appointment date with no spotting. I was in complete shock when the ultra sound tech told me for the second time that my baby was probably going to die. Probably. I left that day with the thought that my baby was probably going to die. Again my world came crashing down. Again I went to mass with my family. Again I was praying for a miracle. 

Those next few days where the hardest. I hadn’t started bleeding yet so I was trying to not give up hope but I did miscarry later that week. After I had miscarried, Chester John, I kept asking God “Why? Why would you do this to us again”. I got an answer from the scripture that was read that day at mass on the day of my miscarriage that gave me a lot of comfort. 

Reading 1 Wis 2:23:3:9

God formed man to be imperishable;
the image of his own nature he made them.
But by the envy of the Devil, death entered the world,
and they who are in his possession experience it.

But the souls of the just are in the hand of God,
and no torment shall touch them.
They seemed, in the view of the foolish, to be dead;
and their passing away was thought an affliction
and their going forth from us, utter destruction.
But they are in peace.
For if before men, indeed, they be punished,
yet is their hope full of immortality;
Chastised a little, they shall be greatly blessed,
because God tried them
and found them worthy of himself.
As gold in the furnace, he proved them,
and as sacrificial offerings he took them to himself.
In the time of their visitation they shall shine,
and shall dart about as sparks through stubble;
They shall judge nations and rule over peoples,
and the Lord shall be their King forever.
Those who trust in him shall understand truth,
and the faithful shall abide with him in love:
Because grace and mercy are with his holy ones,
and his care is with his elect.

We did receive a little good news when we went back for our follow up appointment to the miscarriage. We think we might have found a reason why I keep miscarrying. I have a lot of antibodies toward my thyroid so they have me on a medicine now for my thyroid. My doctor said a lot of research shows that being on this medicine can decrease the chance of miscarriage by 50% so our hopes are high but we haven’t gotten pregnant again.

Faith is a very big part of my life and it is my faith that has brought me this far and I know that it is my faith that keeps me going. I feel God has chosen my little ones because they were worthy to be with him and in the end isn’t it every parents job to get their children to heaven. While I still love them, miss them and I still grieve for them and what we lost, I know they are at peace and that God has a plan for me and my family. I had to be patient for a long time before I found my loving husband so now I have to be patient for this gift as well. I have been blessed to be working with such a caring and loving coworkers. Some that have experienced the same as me and others that have a little different story to tell, but we all support each other and pray for each other. That is all we can do, have faith. 

So you see, my story is an unfinished one, but one day it will have a happy ending.  Just like all fairy tales.  Maybe we were meant to adopt a child(ren) that need a loving family, or maybe one day I will be able to carry a child full term.  All we can do it 
wait, and Let Go and Let God!

*We are so happy to announce that at the time of this posting, Stephanie and Ben are expecting a healthy baby boy in March!

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