Friday, December 13, 2013

Waiting While Saying Goodbye

A little over a month ago, my Father-my hero, left this world of pain and suffering for a life of peace and rest.  While the loss has devastated our family, with each person dealing in his or her own way, there was a piece of me that seemed to be cut out knowing that my Father would never meet my Children and that my Children would never meet their Papa.

This has been the hardest part of our journey to date.  Tears do not come out of sheer shock of such a loss of hope.  My Dad, while he never fully understood our "situation,"  always made sure we "knew" what we were doing and encouraged us to "try harder"-this was always said with a mega-watt grin.  He always went out of his way to call and ask about our appointments or casually asked how we were feeling about things at any given time.  His sensitivity towards us and our "situation" was something I wish others would learn from.

So many have tried to "put themselves in my place," which never really helps unless you've experienced the same traumatic death of a parent while waiting for your children to come. Some have stated that I am "lucky" to not have to share this grief with my children who would be too young to "really understand." They may be right, I don't envy those having to struggle with their own despair while helping their children to understand their own loss.  Yet, my heart breaks because not only did my Father never get to be my children's Papa, he never saw me as a Mother, my husband as a Father, us as a Family.  Something I was hoping he would be proud to see and know.

While I do not know what the future holds, there are new thoughts and feelings that come and go as we continue to write our story. Now, we just have an angel watching over us.

1 comment:

  1. Oh this is an ache that will come back and back. I wish I had wise words about how you are always comforted by how he is 'looking down' but in this one area, it feels false and you are left with longing. Hug your husband. Remember that you KNOW your father is proud of you and the mother you are, the father Nick is. Love your children. Pray. Let it wash over you. Move forward. It is all I have ever been able to figure out.