Monday, December 24, 2012

A Message

Have you ever had one of THOSE days...that then turn into a week?  A month?  A year?  Well, I'm now on week three of feeling the brink of depression creeping into my soul.  There's nothing worse than being in "baby despair," except maybe when it comes at the same time as the holidays!  Ugh.  Walking around with carols streaming through every radio, dozens of presents to wrap, cards to address, and a fake smile plastered to my face feels absolutely preposterous this time of year because deep down I'm just struggling to breathe.  The emptiness of my arms, the look of an innocent child, brings nothing but tears in world where I feel all alone....

....and then something happened.  I found myself sitting in a pew two days before Christmas knowing full well that the birth of the Savior would be the mornings topic.  I was right, and yet so wrong.  The message was more about faith, hope, and the power of believing.  Believing that  the things your waiting for-come.  Believing so much that you thank the Lord before it even makes it way into your life.  Believing that what has been written about your situation-will come to pass.

This message of faith left me quietly sobbing, unable to stand, wishing I was anywhere but there.  Yet, I was also filled with this small spark of hope.  That God knew my pain, saw me, and helped orchestrate this message just for me.  My husband took my hand and quietly lead us in a prayer giving God 2013 and believing that He would make the impossible-possible.

Please click on the following link and press "listen" on the message, "How To Find Favor With God."

So dear friends, We would like to leave you with this message and hope you find it uplifting as you believe for 2013.  We wish you a Merry Christmas and a New Year filled to the brim with happiness as we, wait for baby!
~Kassie and Nick

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Another blow, Another Blessing, Another Story

This Story is from One of the Waiting For Baby Founders

Recently, I was dealt another blow in the infertile world of waiting for baby.  After checking into a pain I had on my left side and being diagnosed with an operable ovarian cyst, I thought, "No big deal.  this isn't going to harm anything."  Let's do it!  Besides, the ugly C word-as I call it-loomed over the whole situation which made me more eager to GET. IT. OUT!

Unfortunately, two days later the pain was unbearable and I  pretty much was shaking and sweating so bad that my lovely co-workers decided I needed to leave.  After making arrangements for someone to come get me, I was rushed to my doctor.  He poked and prodded the places I really wasn't ready for anyone to poke and prod, and decided that immediate surgery the next morning would be necessary.

The next morning, my wonderful and loving husband took extra care to drive slow and down roads without bumps.  He was super attentive and asked all the questions you'd think I would be asking.  Instead, I just laid there in warm blankets as they drew blood, hooked my up to more wires and monitors that seemed necessary, and thought about the ugly C word praying that I would not become another victim of it's ravaging.

What I didn't know was that there was another type of ravaging going on.  When the doctor went in to remove the cyst, he found a rotting fallopian tube with a dried blood clot, and an ovary spotted with endometriosis-a female health disorder that occurs when cells from the lining of the womb (uterus) grow in other areas of the body. This can lead to pain, irregular bleeding, and problems getting pregnant.  So, he removed both in the best interest of my health and future of becoming a mother.

When I started coming out of my drugged-up state of mind, they told me what they had found and what they removed.  Apparently I lost it.  I remember crying, but not enough for them to consider me a "risk."  This means I had to stay a little longer and have 3 people in the bathroom with me to pee.  I wasn't allowed to be alone.  Really? Do you think I want to be alone at this time???  My hubby was there and that was all I needed.  From what he has told me, he was pretty shaken by my reaction. Not knowing what to do, he just covered my upper body with his, held my head to his chest, and let me sob until I was finished.  This is why I love him and will forever be his "squirrel."

When I was finally able to go home, I slept a lot and cried a lot from the pain.  My house quickly filled up with flowers, balloons, cards, tissues, folding chairs, food, and people.  One after another, people came and delivered blessing after blessing.  Well wishes were extended and prayers were prayed for fast healing.  Several conversations took place over the phone and life kinda took on a new routine.  I did a lot of PR stuff, caught up on some reading, watched movies, ate a LOT of ice cream, and tried to be somewhat positive over the whole situation.  There WAS a reason for this right?  I mean, why now? Why ever?  Why did it have to be such a critical organ that's needed to get pregnant?  Why Me?

I'm ashamed to say I didn't pick up my Bible once during the week of "healing."  I couldn't even pray more than one word, "Why?"  And then an answer came in such a way that it left me pondering for a couple days.  Did I not realize the blessing in disguise this operation really was?  I mean, I had a decaying organ inside of me-Gross!  And another organ that wasn't even functioning to help the pregnancy process anyways so, what was I whining about???  I have an amazing husband whose gone nine years dealing with what I was just know feeling.  It's like having a built in counselor!  I'm surrounded by amazing women who've actually never had the opportunity to get pregnant or have had to say goodbye to their little lovies before ever setting eyes on them.  They are my infertility gurus and are available 24/7 to me.  I have a mentor that prayers for us daily and pleads on our behalf for a child, a wonderful family who does their best to love us through this process when their hurting just as much, and a Heavenly Father who hears me.  Who sees my pain.  Who knows how mad I am, Who knows how hard it is for me to go to Him because my faith is dwindling. 

And yet...He still loves me. He still wants what's best for me, for us.  He knows I'm human and forgives my human ways.  He knows what organs I need and don't need.  He knows the desire of our hearts.  He knows what time is best.  He is preparing a way. He's gently reminding us how many times we have seen Him answer our prayers before and given testimony over and over at the works He has done on our behalf.  Will He not do one more?  Will it not in the end be considered a blessing rather than the initial blow?  Will He not continue writing our story long after the hurt and pain are just a memory? Yes, He will, He is MY God!

Friday, December 21, 2012

Taking Time to Dance~Part 2

When times get hard, all hope seems lost, and all you want to do is cry...
 ...get up, play this song, and dance!  Home is wherever YOU make it.

Friday, December 14, 2012


We're hosting a give-a-way! 

Win a signed copy of Anna Monardo's book, 
The Courtyard of Dream

All you have to do is:
*Visit her website at
*Come back to this page and tell us the other book displayed besides Courtyard of dreams
*Winner will be notified Monday, Dec. 17th

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Memoir: The Joy Of Ex-Anna's Story

Memoir: The Joy of Ex

Divorce is the kiss of death for a relationship—or maybe not. Can a medical crisis heal the wounds of the past?

by Anna Monardo and shared with permission by MORE Magazine

Neither my ex (let’s call him X) nor I had really wanted a divorce. What we’d wanted was a baby. I believe we shared a frustrating sense that during our few years together we had not had a fair chance—almost as if we were teenagers whose love had been muddied by the adults. In fact, we were old enough to be the parents of teenagers (X was the father of three terrific adolescent boys), but we had conducted our relationship with the kind of abandon you’d never want your kids to indulge in: work tossed aside for three-hour phone calls in the middle of the day, urgent (overpriced) rendezvous travel, lots of anywhere-anytime lovemaking. We married five months after we met. The wedding happened four days after the proposal. It was a romantic binge, a spree.

To read more of Anna's story, please click on the following link: 

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Birth Mother Trying To Connect With 49ers Starting QB

Birth mother still trying to connect with new 49ers starting QB Colin Kaepernick

Heidi Russo has watched her son from the stands, half of her desperately wanting to rise and wave her arms with excitement in hopes that Colin Kaepernick might finally recognize her. She dreams, after all these years, that there might finally be a connection with the young man she once gave up for adoption.
"Then the other half of me calms me down and I just sit there and cheer like the rest of the people," said Russo, a 44-year-old registered nurse who lives in a suburb of Denver and went to see Kaepernick play in-person for the first time in 2010 when his University of Nevada team played at Colorado State. "I kept looking at him, thinking our eyes might meet. He might finally see me. I kept thinking it happened, but he never came to see me after the game."
Colin Kaepernick during Sunday's game against the Rams. (AP)For all of Russo's joy in watching Kaepernick, who has made a dramatic rise to starting quarterback of the San Francisco 49ers, there is an obvious sense of regret that he hasn't been a regular part of her life.
"I watch him now and I see how happy he is and I'm thrilled for him," said Russo, who said "I have to respect" his decision not to meet.
Yet she holds on to hope. "You can see that everything he wants and everything he has worked for is coming together," she said. "That's something that any parent would be happy to see for their child."
Russo has a Twitter account in which her profile notes that she has "a very special place in my heart for Colin Kaepernick." She said Kaepernick, who through his agent declined to be interviewed for this story, has exchanged a few messages with her, but that most of her tweets over the years have gone unreturned. Kaepernick's adoptive parents, Rick and Teresa, have said in the past they are supportive of whatever he wants to do. At the same time, Colin, Rick and Teresa have always been uncomfortable with the term "adoptive" parents.
"His parents are truly wonderful people," said Denver Broncos tight end Virgil Green, a teammate and roommate of Kaepernick's at Nevada. "I've been out to dinner with them and you can see the job they did raising him. I think he would view it as almost treasonous to them to meet with his biological mother or father. They did such a great job giving him everything he needed to be successful in life."
Russo admits that Kaepernick might have had a harder time becoming successful if she had kept him.
"I know I couldn't have given Colin everything he needed growing up," Russo said. "But I ask myself a lot of the time, 'Would loving him have been enough?' "
Russo was single and pregnant with Colin at 18, and a mother by 19. Along the way, she made the difficult decision to give up her first son (she also has an 8-year-old son). There was nothing easy about it. Russo said she initially interviewed three sets of prospective parents who were interested in adopting Colin. None were good enough, least of all the couple that "wanted to put him in the theater and have him play piano," she said. "He wasn't going to be in the theater."
Like Kaepernick, Russo was an athlete. She's 6 feet tall and played volleyball, basketball and track in high school. She was strong-willed and independent. Through the first eight months of the pregnancy, Russo had decided to keep him. Then, a family friend who worked for the Lutheran Social Services in Wisconsin introduced her to the Kaepernicks, who Russo said had two children of their own already, but had lost two other children to heart defects.
Heidi Russo (Courtesy"I knew they were the right people immediately," said Russo, who was living in Milwaukee at the time. "The first thing Teresa did when she met me was give me a hug. They were such giving, wonderful people from the moment I met them."
That eased the situation, but didn't immediately solve it. Under Wisconsin law at the time, there is a six-week period between when a child is born and when he/she can officially be adopted. The child is supposed to go into foster care for that period. Russo would have none of that.
"I refused to have him in foster care, there was no way. I raised him for the first six weeks," she said. The attachment developed from those six weeks became a difficult bond for her to deal with, starting with the day she gave him up.
A day she can barely remember.
"I think your mind and your body do things to help you forget truly painful experiences like that," Russo said. "I remember going to the courthouse to sign all the papers, then we went somewhere else for the exchange. It might have been the Lutheran Social Services building, but I really can't remember. All I remember is that we had to be in separate rooms. [The adoption officials] came and got Colin from me and then took him to the Kaepernicks. That's the one thing I wish I had done differently. I wish I had given him directly to the Kaepernicks."
Over the next six to seven years, the situation got worse. At the time, the Kaepernicks and Russo's father lived in Fond du Lac, Wis., roughly 65 miles north of Milwaukee. When Russo would visit her father, she'd find herself looking for the Kaepernicks, hoping to see Colin.
Russo said Teresa Kaepernick would send letters and pictures, but that came to a halt.
"I would find myself waiting and waiting for the letters and the pictures, so much so that I wasn't moving on with my life," Russo said. "I was depressed and anxious." She said there were "many times" that she wanted to go get Colin back from the Kaepernicks.
"But that wasn't about doing what was best for him, it was about healing the wound I had. That wouldn't have been the right thing for him," she said.
Russo ended communication with the Kaepernicks when Colin was 6 or 7, but resumed her attempts to meet him when Kaepernick got to Nevada. Russo had a friend who went through a similar circumstance and the friend encouraged Russo to contact Kaepernick via the Internet. She found him on MySpace and finally wrote a message to him after roughly six weeks of thinking about what to say.
It took another six weeks or so to hear back from him.
"He had questions about his father and I tried to get answers for him," Russo said. "I found his father and called his house."
Russo said she left a message that was never returned.
On Aug. 26, she attended the 49ers' preseason game at Denver. She reunited with Rick and Teresa Kaepernick and introduced her younger son to them.
"It was like meeting old friends after 25 years," she said. "You couldn't ask for better people than Rick and Teresa, how they have loved him and taken care of him. As a parent, you never think that anyone could love your child as much as you do, but they have."
However, she didn't meet Colin.
"Until he tells me otherwise, I'll continue supporting him," said Russo, who watches or records every game Kaepernick plays. "It's very emotional for me to watch him, especially [when he played against New Orleans] and you could see how happy he was. I just hope and pray for him."
What if he never wants to meet?
"Yes, there's always that, but I just stay positive for him," Russo said. "That's what is important. That's what you're supposed to do as a parent."